A mind that never rest

I have five children, ranging in age from 1 to 12, and being a mam has been such a huge part of my life for so long that sometimes I wonder if I have lost a little bit of myself along the way.

The question I keep asking myself is: Who am I outside of being a mam?

It sounds like such a simple question, but for me, it isn’t.

For years, my life has revolved around my children. Their needs, their routines, their happiness, their school, their activities, and making sure they have everything they need. My days are filled with doing things for everyone else, and somewhere along the way, I feel like I have forgotten about me.

I don’t mean that I don’t love being a mam. I do, more than anything. My children are my world, and I wouldn’t change having them for a second. But I am beginning to realise that loving my children and wanting something for myself can exist at the same time.

And maybe that’s something we don’t talk about enough as mothers.

The fear of who I’ll be when they’re grown up

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the future.

What will my life look like when my children are older? What will I do when they don’t need me in the same way they do now? Who will I be when my days aren’t filled with school runs, making dinners, sorting out the house, and looking after little people?

I know that day will come, and while part of me looks forward to seeing my children grow into their own people, another part of me feels scared.

Because the truth is, I don’t really know who I am outside of motherhood anymore.

I want to have something of my own. Something that makes me feel excited, something that gives me purpose beyond my role as a mam. I want to discover what I enjoy, what I’m good at, and what I might be capable of if I gave myself the chance.

But how do you start finding yourself again when you barely have a minute to yourself?

All the hours in the day, but no time for me

People often say there are 24 hours in a day, and sometimes I wonder where those hours actually go.

My days are so full. There is always something that needs doing, someone who needs me, or another job waiting to be done. Even when I get a quiet moment, my brain doesn’t seem to know how to switch off.

I’m constantly thinking.

Thinking about what I want to do with my life. Thinking about ideas I could try. Thinking about ways I could build something for myself. Thinking about how I can make things better, not just for my family but for me, too.

Sometimes I get so excited about a new idea. I start imagining what it could become and how good it would feel to finally have something that belongs to me.

Then the day catches up with me.

The children need me, the house needs attention, and by the time the evening comes, I’m exhausted. All I want to do is get into bed and switch off. The thing I was so excited about earlier gets pushed aside, and before I know it, days or weeks have passed without me doing anything with it.

Then I feel frustrated with myself.

Why can’t I stick to something? Why can’t I find the motivation? Why does everything feel so difficult when I know how much I want it?

But maybe it’s not that I don’t want it enough. Maybe I’m simply tired. Maybe I’m trying to fit my own dreams into a life that already demands so much of me.

And maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for that.

Looking at other people’s lives and wishing mine looked different

Social media can make this feeling even harder.

You see people building their own businesses, creating beautiful homes, raising their families, and seemingly managing to do it all. You see people finding their passions, working towards their goals, and making things happen for themselves.

And you can’t help but wonder, Why can’t that be me?

I wish I had my own business. Something I could build from the ground up. Something that was mine, that I could be proud of, and that my children could look at one day and say, “My mam did that.”

I want to show them that it’s possible to dream about something and work towards it. I want them to see me as more than just the person who keeps everything going at home. I want them to see me chasing something I love, learning new things, and creating a life that makes me happy, too.

But when I look at my own life, I sometimes feel so far away from that dream.

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what my business would be, what I would enjoy doing, or how I would make it work around five children.

And then I start comparing myself to people who seem to have already figured it all out.

It’s a horrible feeling, wanting more for yourself but not knowing how to get there.

The guilt of wanting something for myself

I think one of the hardest parts is feeling guilty for even wanting more.

As a mam, you can spend so much time putting everyone else first that the idea of doing something for yourself can feel selfish. There is always something else you could be doing for your children or your home.

But I am starting to question that way of thinking.

Why should wanting something for myself make me feel guilty?

Why can’t I be a good mam and still want my own goals, dreams, and ambitions?

Why can’t I love my life as a mother while also admitting that I feel lost sometimes?

I can be grateful for my children and still miss the person I used to be. I can love my family and still want to discover new things about myself. I can appreciate the life I have and still dream about the life I want to build.

Those feelings don’t cancel each other out.

I think I’ve spent so long trying to be everything for everyone else that I’ve forgotten I am a person, too. Someone with interests, ideas, hopes, and dreams that deserve a little attention.

And maybe finding myself again doesn’t mean going back to the person I was before children. Maybe it means discovering the person I am becoming now.

So, where do I start?

This is the question I keep coming back to.

I know I want something for myself, but what does that actually look like? How do I find the time? How do I choose one thing when my mind is full of ideas? How do I turn a dream into something real when some days I barely have the energy to get through my to-do list?

I don’t have all the answers yet.

But perhaps I have been looking at it the wrong way.

Maybe I don’t need to figure out my entire future right now. Maybe I don’t need to discover my passion overnight, start a successful business tomorrow, or suddenly become the person I imagine I should be.

Maybe I just need to start small.

Give myself a little time to explore the things that interest me. Write down my ideas instead of letting them disappear into the chaos of everyday life. Try something without putting pressure on myself to turn it into something amazing straight away.

Maybe I need to give myself permission to be a beginner.

To try things and change my mind. To have days when I feel motivated and days when I feel exhausted. To make progress slowly, in the little pockets of time that I can find.

Because I don’t want to keep putting myself on hold until the children are older, the house is tidier, or life becomes less busy.

If I keep waiting for the perfect time, will that time ever come?

I want to believe that there is room for me in the life I already have. Even if, for now, that room is only ten minutes a day.

Ten minutes to think, create, learn, plan, or simply do something because I want to.

It might not seem like much, but maybe it’s a start.

I want my children to be proud of me, but I want to be proud of myself, too

When I think about what I really want, I realise that it’s not just about having a business or making money.

Of course, I would love to build something successful. I would love to have something of my own and feel that sense of achievement.

But underneath all of that, I think I just want to feel like me again.

I want to feel excited about the future. I want to wake up with something to look forward to. I want to feel capable of doing things that are just for me, rather than spending every day meeting everyone else’s needs.

And yes, I want my children to be proud of me.

But I also want to reach a point where I can look at myself and feel proud of the effort I’ve made, even if things haven’t turned out exactly as I imagined.

I want them to know that being a mam doesn’t mean you have to give up on yourself. That dreams can change, plans can take longer than expected, and it’s never wrong to want to grow into a new version of yourself.

I don’t want to wait until they’re grown up to start living a life that includes me.

I want to start now, even if I don’t know exactly what I’m working towards yet.

Maybe I’m not lost. Maybe I’m just finding my way.

I still have days when I feel frustrated and sad that I haven’t figured this out. Days when I look at other people’s lives and wonder why I can’t seem to get myself together.

There are days when I have so many ideas that my head feels ready to burst, but I have no energy left to do anything with them.

And there are days when I question whether I’ll ever find that thing that makes me feel fulfilled outside of motherhood.

But I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t have to have everything figured out.

I’m raising five children. My life is busy, my days are demanding, and I am allowed to take my time figuring out who I am and what I want.

Maybe this stage of my life isn’t about having all the answers. Maybe it’s about asking the questions, being honest about how I feel, and slowly making space for the person I want to become.

I don’t know if that will lead me to start a business, discover a new passion, or find something completely different that I never expected.

But I want to find out.

I want to stop looking at my dreams as things I might get around to one day and start treating them as things I can take small steps towards now.

Because I am more than a mam, even if I am still figuring out what that means.

And maybe that’s where my journey begins.

Not with a big plan, a perfect routine, or a sudden burst of motivation.

But with a simple question that I am finally allowing myself to ask:

Who am I outside of being a mam, and who do I want to become?

I might not know the answer yet.

But for the first time, I want to make the time to find out.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough for today.